If I Had a Do-Over

First...sorry I've been gone so long. My computer has been a little sickly, but it is all better now (hopefully), so I can continue blogging about my life!

Second, as Mckinley just turned one (which you can read about here), I have been thinking about how things would be different, or similar for that matter, if I could re-do this first year. Most things probably apply to when she was first born, but some carry over throughout the year. So I give you my list, not in any particular order and in brutal honesty, of things that would be critical to me in a do-over.

1. I would try and be less scared. Maybe this is easy to say now that I have a one-year-old, but it is true nonetheless. When Mckinley was born I was terrified. Not of the challenges of raising a baby even, but of the reality that my life as I had grown to love was changing rapidly. The funny thing was that I was fully aware that this was the given outcome that comes with having a baby, and I was eager and ready for this change before she was born. However come a few days after she was here I found myself all of the sudden paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I now know that this was all hormone driven, but it was still a really scary time. Luckily the fear rapidly dissipates as a blend of recuperation of sleep, leveling of hormones, and the wearing off of shock take place.

2. I would use the parenting model we chose for Mckinley again. While I have been given more looks, questions, and even comments about this than I care to recount, it has been amazing for our family. I'm sure that even in this format I may ostracize many readers (who am I kidding really--Kevin, some family, and close friends are really the only "readers", but still) for discussing the ways in which we have chosen to raise our daughter. We have based many of our parenting decisions off of the model BabyWise. While we were fully aware of the controversial nature of this model, we still chose it after much reading and discussion (including talks with our pediatrician). However, we used the methods of this model taking everything into account with a grain of salt, and always keeping Mckinley's needs as our top priority. Many users of this model can become very rigid by it's ways--I believe this has led to much of the controversy. I 100% believe though that because of the decision we made, Mckinley is a happy and healthy baby, who sleeps and eats great! On a side note however, I would never push one method on a parent over another. I truly believe that kids can grow to become healthy, happy babies as long as they have a loving family who cares for them. Bottom Line: what works for us, might not work for others. If you feel intrigued at all though by the choices we made, please feel free to reach out to me. I will share the decisions that we made and answer any questions you have to the best of my ability.

3. I would have written in this blog more. When you have a newborn time seems to disappear. One day runs into the next and things like laundry and dinner seem almost impossible, let alone blogging. But I look back at the few entries I posted in the first few months of Kinley's life and I cherish them. The other thing about having a newborn is your brain doesn't quite seem to function or remember things all so clearly, so having written documentation of what took place is priceless. The problem was then, and even now, when I sit down to write something I think, "this really seems like a dumb thing to write about". In the end though, while you all might not care about the daily crying, pooping, laughing, milestones, or adventures we have, we DO. Every time I look back at a blog post I smile. I am documenting memories of our lives...the very reason I started this blog in the first place. I do however, hope that someone else out there finds it enjoyable, even comical reading about these things! :)

4. I wouldn't worry so much about being a parent. This is actually a little two-sided. I believe that the worries I have help shape the parent I am, but they also cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I worry that I need to do the right thing or something bad will happen. While in some cases I feel this is true, in some cases maybe not. I would trust in that gut feeling that life will be ok. I have always been the worrier, and I am sure I always will be (how can a parent not worry?). To do it all over again though, I would hope that I could release some anxiety and fear. Hind sight is 20/20 though right? Turns out that her first year went pretty good--worrying or not she turned out alright. We'll see what her future brings, unfortunately I'm afraid she is doomed to have a worrier-type mommy, but maybe I can try and tame it a little--at least in her presence.

5. I would love, cherish, and breath each moment as sweetly as I did. Having a child is AMAZING. She is her father's and my world. She makes me laugh and smile EVERY day. But she also can frustrate me. I have learned that each of these emotions is part of being a mom. It is important that we feel them all. She has made me appreciate life more that I did before, but she has also created new fears. Fears that life will not turn out the way she dreams it will. Fears she will have her heart-broken one day or face any number of challenges that life can provide us. She has changed me. She makes me look at life in a new way. Look at relationships in a new light. With her, with her dad, with family and friends. Each moment I have had with her has caused this. I honestly feel like I have embraced each day and moment as something special, because that is what life is with her. Special.

In truth, I'm not sure I would want a do-over because going through these experiences is truly what has taught me so much, but it is nice to be reflective at times and evaluate how things have gone. The first child is obviously the guinea pig, and future children tend to get a little less analysis, I hope that this isn't the case with our family. I hope that I can continue to look back and evaluate what worked and what didn't, and then apply that to our family as a whole. If taking a million pictures works, then I want to do that for all my kids (I really am going to try!). If letting my kids cry sometimes works, then I will have to suffer through. If worry incessantly doesn't work, then I will have to try and hold back. My family is a work in progress, and I have never said otherwise. I believe though that it is a beautiful piece of work!